I’m waiting for an ice age To chill me to the bone I’m waiting for a warm lahar To warm my heart of stone I’m waiting for a taxi To a former form of life I’m waiting for this stuff to work Tho I’m half-scared that it might My back is rubber, it ain’t Got no bone, and I’d sure Like to have sex with you, though I don’t know what it would be for Before I met you, I was Quite contented simply to be But now there’s things I gotta Do— I’m waiting for a nice age One that’s nicer than my own It’s all funny till the loss of eyes Which ossifies Paints flesh in skeletal tones I’m waiting on a shoulder My thumb is in the air The way the holders of the wheel flash by In an unflinching flood It’s kinda hard to believe they care The foam is swelling Now it fills my ears, and I’d Hate to have to stop you there But I can’t hear a word that you say People used to ask me What it was I wanted to be But now they ask me what I Do— I’m waiting for a Sunday One that’s as bloody as the sun I wanna watch red satellites rise Over sanguine skies Revelation’s never been such fun I’m waiting for a road rage To sweep clean these streets And skipping through the gutters that run With spilt petroleum Hand-in-hand, look there’s you and me My hands are empty I ain’t got none left And what it was that I had I am even now beginning to forget When I was younger Used to wonder what I’m going to be But now I wonder what I’ll Do

When I was young, the evil children used to laugh at me Because I could not catch a ball that they had thrown Now I can catch a ball with one hand tied behind my back And all those cunts have evil children of their own And you may tell me that I chose a stupid reason not to breed But I would rather have no child than have him meet their evil seed Upon a playground on some dismal Tuesday morning, all alone And have them laugh because he cannot catch a ball that they have thrown What’s that you say? Just like a girl As I grew slightly, imbeciles would split their sides with glee Because I did not wear the clothes that they would wear Now I have worn a lot of clothes, and some have been quite bad But I will never comprehend why I should care From the way these fools behave, you’d really think the Asian slaves Who worked themselves to death to make their clothes were somehow different from those Who worked their fingers to the bone to make the ones I own But there, you can’t compare the clothes I wear with those they wear (With those they wear) What’s that you say? Just like a girl Throw You throw You throw like a girl All of your drama’s just a drop in the ocean We’re each of us better than most of the rest Shove instant karma, it’s a cunt of a notion There’s nobody here who deserves to get what they deserve You’ll get what you deserve

Attention! Attention! It’s come to my attention To mention, to mention that there’s something I should mention I hear ya, I hear ya, but your styles are so inferior That it is easy for me to see why the ladies won’t go near ya Believe me, believe me, I didn’t ask for this I was surprised just like the next guy to discover I’m the shit But I’m trying, I’m trying, I’m trying best I can To get used to the idea of being the fucking man Cos I’m wicked, and everybody else is shit If I was somebody else, I don’t know how I’d handle it My parties are partier, my fly honeys are flyer If I’m the preacher man you are the boy who’s in the choir, singing: “I’m really quite shit – I wish I was cool like you are” So fellas, so fellas, you may as well go home Cos your ladies, your ladies have all become my own And ladies, yeah ladies, you’ll need to form a line Cos I can only satisfy y’all three at a time Cos I’m wicked, and everybody else is shit If I was somebody else, I don’t know how I’d handle it Cos I’m wicked, and everybody else is shit Either be me, or you might as well quit

Let go of me You fucking bitch I do not want You anymore Why must I always come running back to you (Let go of me) Whether I want to or not (You fucking bitch) You won’t be happy till you’ve killed me (Both of us know) And I just won’t be happy, full-stop (You’re killing me) Let me go, let me I fear the feel of your frigid fingertips (Let go of me) Shifting their grip on my heart (You fucking bitch) One thing I regret more than the time I’ve wasted on you (I do not want) Is the time we’ve wasted apart (You anymore)

When we touched down and had a look round We were far from impressed at the mess we found left By the previous crowd But once the machines had scrubbed the air clean What a pleasant surprise to find pale blue skies And fields of green We were so proud of this world we found We called it Earth, we called it ours And we went to work, grew food otta dirt And tho the galaxy’s wide, you’d be hard pushed to find A more well-tended Earth And soon we were old, with kids of our own And the ships that had brought us were rusting unthought-of This was our home We were so proud of this green and pleasant land We left it in our children’s capable hands And they were so bright, so full of ideas They had soon worked out ways to accomplish in days What had taken us years They were so proud of what they could achieve They went and built a little factory So when you touch down and have a look round You’ll be far from impressed at the mess that we’ve left

Broken bodies languish by the sides of busted roads Swift and sure destruction has struck down all that we used to know Oh honey, would you wait Honey, would you wait for me? Welcome to Dystopiaville, population us All the boys used to fancy now are particles of dust Oh honey, would you wait Honey, would you wait for me? Finally this quiet earth is ours and only ours Trash and tumbleweeds are blown between the corporations’ towers Honey, what you say Honey, would you stay with me? If I was – if I were – if I had been – if I am The only man in the world Honey, what you say Honey, would you’ve stayed with me?

Well it’s comforting to know there’s a place you can go When the last half ounce of your Coromandel gold Got turned into smoke on a knife on the stove And you can’t grow your own because it’s way too cold And you don’t have the money to buy another ounce Get on down to the tinny house It’s the tinny house they don’t sell them tinnies for free So come on bro, have you got 20 bucks for me? Because you pay top-dollar for a small amount But it’s quality stuff down at the tinny house Yeah, at the tinny house Atthe tinny house they don’t sell those tinnies for free But if you buy two you get a free sample bag of P Now I got to the Bob Marley on the stereo And I’m straight enough to drive so here we go To the tinny house

When we touched down and had a look round We were far from impressed at the mess we found left By the previous crowd But once the machines had scrubbed the air clean What a pleasant surprise to find pale blue skies And fields of green We were so proud of this world we found We called it Earth, we called it ours And we went to work, grew food otta dirt And tho the galaxy’s wide, you’d be hard pushed to find A more well-tended Earth And soon we were old, with kids of our own And the ships that had brought us were rusting unthought-of This was our home We were so proud of this green and pleasant land We left it in our children’s capable hands And they were so bright, so full of ideas They had soon worked out ways to accomplish in days What had taken us years They were so proud of what they could achieve They went and built a little factory So when you touch down and have a look round You’ll be far from impressed at the mess that we’ve left

I wanna recklessly take my time and fussily fuck things up And randomly reconstruct, and carefully plunge headlong And get my rock on One or the other is / good / enough / is / not good enough I wanna tear it apart with care, this beautiful disrepair The master plan will be orchestrated with clumsy care Now listen here There will be no neither or nor There will be no either nor or There will be no this or that Or the other one because We will defy the forces that force like poles apart And we will snap the fine dividing line between ending and starting And we won’t take no for an answer We won’t take yes for an answer The only answer to everything is Everything all at once There will be no neither or nor There will be no either nor or There will be no this or that Or the other one because We will defy the forces that force like poles apart And we will snap the fine dividing line between ending and starting And we won’t take no for an answer We won’t take yes for an answer The only answer to anything is Everything all at once We will defy the forces that force like poles apart And we will snap the fine dividing line between ending and starting And we won’t take no for an answer We won’t take yes for an answer The only answer to everything is Everything all at once

Stung like a pretty one’s dumb little idiom Downed in a Ritalin twitch Should stop, but did he? Did he what Shook her like a liquor bottle in a video clip And huddled in the back seat and maddened by caffeine My diseased imagination posits whole new Jupiters And wails that it’s so bloody unfair That we should have to die And shuddering in taxis in cold suburban streets My diseased imagination screams that there are stars And shouldn’t we be, shouldn’t we be bloody ashamed Of rubbing the salt in the souls of the lame

There is no point calling the cops They’re busy raping teenage girls And saying, “What you gonna do love, Call the cops?” There is no point calling the cops They’re busy pepper-spraying students With opinions slightly different from the ones They printed in this weekend’s paper So when my landlord’s brother comes around And tries to kick my front door down The cops we’ve called and him get on quite well They share a common language of brutality and loopholes And the constable says “Sorry son, I can’t do nothing for ya, You’re just another slacker with a flat in Mount Victoria, And this man has a Beemer and a look of righteous anger, This man has a lawyer and a bunch of bits of paper.” And they tell him not to bother us But we all know he will And so next time that he comes around I guess that we’ll just have to kill him Because there’s no point calling the cops

Stop crying like a girl It makes your face so ugly And besides, you’re not a girl Or not a real one anyway We’ve got a vehicle We’ve got a road to Wanganui So grab the wheel and drive those tears away So grab the wheel and drive those tears away It won’t be tragedy If you forget your toothbrush There’s a supermarket down the road Where you can buy one for a buck And if the memories of the girl You left behind you overwhelm you Once the band starts rocking You won’t give a hoot about all of that Once the band starts rocking You won’t give a fuck And we’ll play to the locals Most of whom will just ignore us And we’ll wake with a headache And the slightest sense of shame And while it’s true that we can do Most of these things without you Without you, it just won’t be the same Without you, it just won’t be the same So stop crying like a girl You know that you can I know that you’re hurting But that just means you’re alive Stop crying like a girl And make like you’re a man Get into that van and drive

Hit tri-zero widda splat Face down in fronta your flat Like an unwelcome mat Drat, I forgat Where the party at Need a milligram of tetrahydrocannabinoids, stat! Schrödinger shriek cos I’m shredding his cat And the teens in the mall with the symmetrical hair think I’m fat widda “F”, not phat widda “P” How wonderful to be free before I go Cold Damn, now winter in the city Back of my neck done frosted to rigidity Writ a little ditty as a plea for humidity Got utterly rebutted by the clerical committee On a clear day you can see clear into the air Which is where I wound up Where the weirdos dare discuss disgust Contrast and compare contempt With the feeling that you’re born Exempt from the norm Except for the form Excessive, unkempt, and deformed There’s no repentance songs We apologise just for the sake of form, and My songs are my children They are grotesquely ugly Nobobdy wants them And as they grow We grow to hate each other Some other mothers like their pretty daughters more Or clench like the manhole on a man-whore It’s fraught with ill-thought There ought to be a law to be fought But the law won too, one-two, Czech Like Dvořák Czech like Kundera Check like mate … Mate! Middleweight, middlebrow, middle-class hero Widda shitlist as long as the Devonian era Item the first: matters arising from the minutes I misspent Listening to your twisted bitching The witless never witness your fitness Tho the rejects usually respect your defects My god – think you’ve killed them The horror! The horror! The Sodom and Gommorah The fields are strewn with the recently slain Your momma knew what she was doing When she taught me how to rock this way Call the AA! It’s a breakdown New Zealand hip-hop Stop, drop, and give me twenty Y’all in bad need of a diet and some regular exercise Course this criticism’s kinda hypocritical Seeing as I’m weighing in at plenty In fact I’m the fattest rapper since Biggie ate all the pies You’re shit! You’re shit! Your shit is mostly filler You think that you are killer But not even ow, cos Somebody told me That you had a boyfriend But that can’t be true Cos you rhyme like a poo And you smell like an armpit And all your songs are shit Especially the chart hits Pre-teen angst has paid off well Now I’m a lolloping loser in a hip-hop hell Play the fool just like ringing a bell Do you think you can tell Blue skies from beige? Cello to fade We won’t take no for an answer We won’t take yes for an answer The only answer to everything Is everything all at once

Sweetie Let’s get drunk and watch the TV Let this beer distend our bellies Watch the couch get old and smelly Darling Close the doors and turn the lights down Shut the windows on the night sound Let’s just get drunk and watch the telly All our friends are smoking tailors We’ll stay home and roll our own All our friends are leaving tire-marks In tired carparks; we’ll stay home and Honey Come away from that front door You know there’s nothing out there for you Let’s just get drunk and watch the telly All our friends are smoking tailors We’ll stay home and roll our own All our friends are bloody useless Bunch of losers, getting stoned All our friends leave tire-marks in Tired car parks; we’ll stay home All our friends are smoking tailors We’ll stay home and roll our own

Take a good look As you step inside It’s these good folk With whom you will die Please listen close To the details Of how to behave When the miracle fails Eyes emptied out Faces held blank Stare at the ground And pretend to relax There is no sound Now that the shouting has stopped There’s no chutes to ensure Our landings will be soft And now that the pressure Has well and truly dropped There is no lift left To keep us all aloft